The Crap Keeps 'Splodin'! Straight to Video Mind Torture Continues.

As my ankle takes it time healing, I continued to wade through the dark underbelly of the sub-film sewer known as the Pendulum Pictures 100 movie set "Bloody Nightmares"...


Dead 7 Contrary to the horrendous cover art, this was actually one of the more technically competent movies I've seen so far in this box set. Once you get past the retarded intro by a severely annoying punk rocker in a leather jacket, this one is surprisingly okay. There is a frenetic style of camera work here, most likely influenced by early Raimi and Peter Jackson. The acting, is as usual, very bad, but there is some surprisingly good gore. The story concerns an evil meth dealer who kills an underling and dumps him down a mineshaft. A strange boy who lives in the woods witnesses it, so the bad guy tosses him down the shaft as well. For the rest of the movie, we witness just how much of an asshole the villain is (he strangles his girlfriend for getting fingerprints on a Steely Dan CD!). Towards the end, a mysterious person starts killing all his friends. Take a wild guess who it is. Anyways, this was somewhat enjoyable.


Dr. Shock's Tales of Terror
This collection of four zero budget horror tales comes from Ohio based Aftershock Studios. What is it with the mid-west and no-budget horror movies? The opening credits and the wacky host, Dr. Shock, are painfully lame. The short movies themselves are pretty fun, however. The first is an okay Mob/Vampire tale called "Bullet for the Vampire". Okay gore, and decent video quality and production values, in comparison to most of the other trash I've been watching. The 2nd is called "The Town That Loved Pizza", basically a Texas Chainsaw rip off about two hulking inbred brothers that kill people and put them on pizzas. Fun and stupid, without pretense to be anything more. The 3rd would be "The Garden Tool Murders", my favorite out of the four because it has the least story and the most gore out of all of them. A landscaper kills people with different garden tools. Thats it. The 4th and worst one is called "Demon's Day". There is a prostitute in this one that for the life of me I couldn't identify as a man or a woman. This one was pretty painful and retarded. Not like anyone reading this will ever watch it anyway. This flick was overall a somewhat entertaining experience.


Hell's Highway
This was definitely one of the best movies that I have seen so far on my excursion into the depths of straight to video crapfests. It even has a big star in it: Ron Jeremy! He's in it for all of 2 minutes, but he gets his dick bit off, so its pretty memorable. This one is about a stretch of highway in Death Valley where an evil hitchhiker kills people trying to pass through. There is plenty of impressive gore and even a totally bizarre surprise ending that I didn't see coming a mile away. Oh, and everyone is drinking Mickey's Malt Liquor the whole time, which I liked. Definitely a cut above most of the crap in this set.


The Invitation
This started out promisingly enough. The video quality and direction is decent and the girls are actually pretty good looking. It actually succeeds in being creepy, which is saying something. A group of kids accidentally kill a kid they don't like when they are little. 14 years later, they get an invitation for a reunion at a country resort. Then a bunch of ghostly mayhem begins. I would have liked this more if it was a straight ahead slasher flick, as cheesy ghosts don't do anything for me. In fact, I wrote in my notebook: "Ghosty Borey". The film completely falls apart towards the end and has an extremely lame ending.


Las Vegas Blood Bath
I'm extremely surprised to find that this sells for $31.98 used on VHS on amazon! This is basically a plotless rip off of Maniac, with some dork named Ari Levin trying to be Joe Spinelli. Its from 1989, and has many unintentionally hilarious things on display. Ari's wife cheats on him, so he cuts her head off and rides around killing women and talking to her head on the Vegas strip. Just as you are starting to enjoy this movie, there is a pointless, half hour long scene of a girl's baby shower. I know they were just trying to pad out the running time, but this is truly ridiculous. There are also scenes of oil wrestling by "B.L.O.W.", the "Beautiful Ladies of Oil Wrestling". This film is so incredibly inept, stupid and sleazy that it gets my recommendation, if only to see just how bad a movie can be. The end theme song, by Chris Crump and David Royal Dalton, is incredibly funny, as well. Phew, I need to go wash my brain now.
The amazing end theme:

Ninja 3: The Domination and the Dominant 40 Ounce

Author's note:  This is the first Fermented Film entry written on my fancy pants new laptop.  Its a Mac Book and it cost me a smooth $1300.  I also wanted to note that I keep several loaded guns on me at all times, and that this Mac Book is equipped to play "Living La Vida Loca" at top volume endlessly if it is ever stolen.  So keep that in mind while you contemplate making the trip all the way to Saskatchewan to steal this fancy pants ass Mac Book.  Also, writing a Fermented Film review with my fancy Mac Book poses problems.  As I don't write these things in an academic setting, 

it will be resting on my lap while I imbibe.  This poses

some challenges.  I really don't want to spill anything on this damn thing.  Well, we'll see.  I might have to go back to writing these things on my Game Boy.  That is all, now enjoy the

 blog.  

Ninja III: The Domination.  1984, Rated R.  Directed by the Venerable Sam Firstenberg.  

Olde English 800.  40 Oz.  $2.25 at Woody's Liquors, Somerville, Saskatchewan.

Olde English is THE 40.  Delicious, smooth and packs that malt liquor punch.      This heady brew is responsible for the lives of millions of my brain cells.  Baseball has Babe Ruth, Wrestling has Hulk Hogan, Weed has Cypress Hill and Malt Liquor has OE.  The 40 for all seasons.  

   I settled down to finally view the infamous "Ninja III: The Domination" and enjoyed the unmistakeable hiss of my 40 of OE as I cracked the top.   

Word to the wise: if a movie is from the years 1983, 1984 and 1985 and its a Golan-Globus production, there is a nine in ten chance that it will be incredible.  This film continues the Golan-Globus tradition of excellence and improves upon it.  It is quite simply one of the most bizarre, entertaining films I have ever seen.  I know I'm getting a little ahead of myself by declaring that right now.  But before I can even begin to delve into this mind blowing viewing experience, I have to get that out of my system.  This movie is the balls.  

It opens with an Asian American guy in a business suit walking into a cave.  He opens a glowing rock and it is full of ninja weapons.  He suits up and heads to a golf course.  The first ten minutes of this movie can only be described as completely amazing.  A yuppie guy, apparently a politician, is out golfing with his ladyfriend and a squad of security guys.  He slices and hits the ball toward some bushes.  The ninja steps out, picks up the golf ball and crushes it in his hand.  He beats the hell out of a security guy and thus begins a display of mayhem that rolls for a solid ten minutes.  I can't even begin to describe all the great things that happen here.  You're better off just watching the clip on youtube.  If you can watch this and then not want to see the full movie, you're damaged:

I like how the cop calls in a 10-20, is that cop talk for a ninja massacre at the golf course?  Thanks to Jack Melcher for that observation.  In fact, Jack, my roommate, walked into the living room midway through this insanity and said he could only watch a couple of minutes of the movie.  I rewound it back to the golf ball crushing and he wound up rooted to his chair, watching nearly the entire movie with me.   

Meanwhile, hot to def 80s lady Lucinda Dickey (the white girl from "Breakin"!) is nearby, working on a phone pole (!).  The dying ninja runs out and basically shoots his soul into her.  I really don't want to give too too much of this movie away, as it is some of the most damn fun you'll ever have watching a movie.  I really mean that.  This movie is one of the pinnacles of modern American cinema.  You've got the beautiful Dickey possessed by the spirit of an evil ninja.  I can give that much away.  Beyond that, the film is pure Gonzo B Movie lunacy, which each scene more absurd than the last.  This is a ninja/cute 80s girl/slasher/exorcist/haunted house action horror hybrid that kicks more ass than a donkey.  

If I were to do a scene by scene breakdown of all the ridiculous shit in this movie, this review would be the size of War and Peace.  

I would hate to sound like I am condoning drinking, as some of my very good friends are sober and have had problems with the hooch in the past.  But, do yourself a favor.  Find a copy of this movie (which is hard, this classic isn't on Deev yet!  It really should be.), settle down with some good friends and plenty of your beverage of choice.  I recommend a malt liquor beverage in a large glass jug.  Pop this baby in and enjoy the ride.  If you know me, hell, even if you don't, get in touch and I will gladly watch this and drink with you.  Utmost thanks go to Danny Cashman for letting me borrow this gem from him!  Once again, THE king of crap movie collecting has proven his dominance.  Mr. Cashman, I salute you.  

In closing, this film is incredible, and is a Holy Grail of 80s junk cinema.