Force: Five and some Damn Whiskey

My life is like SOOOO weird! OMG, LOL, ROTFL, TTYL, WYLITATALIY (When You Look Into The Abyss The Abyss Looks Into You). Nah, but the last entry I wrote for this damn blog was about "Gymkata". Soon after writing that entry, I went on a spirit journey to Halifax, Nova Scotia, a trip that was incredibly fun and nearly got me landed in the slammer. But that's another story, for another time. On the way up to Nova Scotia, I pulled off the highway somewhere near Portland, Maine to take a leak or get some gas or take a gas or get some leak or something. As I was driving to wherever I was going, I noticed a little, old timey (if you consider the 80s 'old timey') video store. I pulled in on impulse, thinking that they most likely had some old VHS tapes for sale used for cheap. They had a couple racks and some definite great finds. One tape didn't have the sleeve, just the clear rental case. It was from 1981, from Media Home Entertainment and was Rated R. It was called "Force: Five" and for a buck and a quarter I figured it was worth the gamble.
Flash forward a week. (My blog is pretty intense with all these personal recollections and flash forwards and flash backs and shit. Its like Quentin Tarantino on acid.) I'm watching "Force: Five" and drinking me some damn Old Crow bourbon. It occurs to me that tons of people in this silly kung fu action flick were also in "Gymkata". So, as I sit down to write this blog entry. Here I sit under God, and I look up this flick on IMDB to validate the idea that these movies are connected. The same guy that directed "Gymkata" directed "Force: Five" and tons of the same people are in both. Robert Clouse, you really know how to make a shitty karate flick! Wait, after looking at his IMDB page, the guy made "Enter The Dragon"! Holy moses. He went from making a classic to a slew of crappy low budgeters, shit, that's pretty sad. Now, I kind of took awhile getting to that point, but I think its pretty weird. Pick up a movie you've never heard of in a little video store in Maine to review on your little blog and it turns out to be a predecessor to your last reviewed movie.
 

Anyways, I really like Old Crow, it is the very first whiskey that I got into. At Umass Amherst, in that last, insane, tragic, hilarious and beautiful year that Butterfield dorm was still Butterfield dorm, I had my first tall styrofoam cup of Old Crow and ice from the ice machine in the basement. I was only 20 at the time, and pretty much drank only beer. The beer would always run out, and on many late nights, my friend Jason Koning would pull out his bottle of Old Crow and offer a drink. I remember actually thinking that drinking whiskey was an old man's thing and that it would be years before I embarked on such an endeavor. This is because all the other times I had drank whiskey it was in shots or pounded out of a bottle to get extremely drunk extremely fast. I had never hung out and really sipped and enjoyed whiskey. After a couple of good Old Crow nights, with Mike Watt's "Contemplating The Engine Room" playing or Jon Keane and Jason and I watching classic films like "Rappin'" and sipping the Old Crow on ice, I decided that I definitely loved whiskey.
I definitely think that memory and nostalgia affect opinion. I know that Old Crow isn't a good whiskey to some people. In fact, I've heard many people say that it is in fact, really bad. To me, its gentle flavor is what opened the door for the Eagle Rares, Buffalo Traces and Balvenies of the world for me. It was my first whiskey love, and I love it to this day. Old Crow is best sipped out of a large glass (or better yet, styrofoam cup), with tons of ice. You fill the glass with ice, pour the Crow in about 75% to the top of the ice and let the ice get to the whiskey. The result is a smooth sippin, ice cold drink, best enjoyed very slowly. Drink it like its 2 in the morning and you are hanging out with friends and you want to stay up til at least 4 and there is no more booze at all. In other words: sip it.

Now, ons to the movie. "Force: Five" is in no way a good movie. It makes "Gymkata" look like Oscar material. But, it is definitely goofy, low budget fun with tons of unintentional laughs and one actual intentional laugh. (Which I noted in my notebook: "Intentional Laugh!")
It concerns an evil Asian cult leader who owns an island and courts spoiled, upper crust young people who he then fleeces for their inheritances. He also is a karate master and has a giant army of gi sporting karate warriors. Sort of like a Jim Jones/Symbionese Liberation Army/Han from Enter the Dragon combo meal of a bad guy.
The action is plentiful, though not very gory, except for a bad guy who's head-a-splode. The acting is horrendous all around, but especially with the main star, Joe Lewis, yes Joe Lewis, but not the Brown Bomber. I never thought you could over act the action of pulling a lever, but he does. The movie gets its title from the fact that Joe Lewis recruits five "very special people" (insert retard joke here) to put an end to nefarious shit that is afoot on the cultist island. The movie should really be called "Force: Six" as Joe Lewis is the leader and the aforementioned five are helping him out. But then, it really wouldn't have the brilliant alliteration of "Force: Five". So, I don't know, maybe call it "Society: Six". Pretty lame, but "society" was the only word I could get out of the thesaurus (WHICH I NEVER USE) for "group" that starts with 's'. Let me try looking up "Force". How about "Strong Arm: Six"? I like that, and its more accurate than the actual title.
I don't want to give too much away, because I'm sure that my minions of readers will go and watch this movie, but at the end its revealed that the cult leader has magical powers, which he uses in a battle with Joe Lewis.
Overall, a pretty crappy movie, but its full of action and goofy fun. Definitely an okay flick to watch while sipping some delicious Old Crow.

Gymkata: Nonsensical Gymnast Karate Fantasy with Mullets

I've heard about "Gymkata" for years. I remember seeing it in the store back in the day, but even as a kid it looked a little lame to me. I mean, a gymnast action movie? As an adult I have sought it out, but never "lucked" out and found it at the exact moment when I had the money to buy and I was in the mood to buy it. That moment when the stars aligned just so and Gymkata and I were inexorably drawn to one another. That moment occurred this past summer while one of the greatest video stores on earth, Video Galaxy XVI was closing in Yarmouth. Video Galaxy towered above Route 28, which runs through Yarmouth like some sort of cancerous growth. In fact, it was located right across that evil thoroughfare from a McDonalds and a Blockbuster Video. In an example of bullheaded stubbornness, sticktoitiveness or a combination of these traits, the owner of the Galaxy refused to fold when the evil Blockbuster moved into town. That shitty company claimed the lives of the best video stores in my home town of Orleans: Video Empire and East Orleans Video, so I love to see people fighting back.
I first entered Video Galaxy in the summer of 2003, a summer where for whatever reason, I watched alot of movies. I would drive the 20 minutes from Orleans to Yarmouth to RENT movies from this place. That's how good the selection was. All the titles were faced sideways and the shelves went from the floor to like 10 feet in the air. You had to get up on something to reach the top two shelves. It was one of those now scarily rare video stores that had opened in the early to mid 80s during the VHS boom and had purchased damn near every video ever released. They had stuff in there that I've never seen anywhere except recently on places like the excellent Critical Condition website.
This place was really classic, and sadly, it recently closed. They were doing fine business, but the owner, who was a really cool old guy, was just too old to run it anymore and nobody would buy the business from him. Finally the slime buckets from Gotcha Video, a porn shop, bought it. I don't call them slime buckets because they ran a porn shop, they were just really slimy, gross guys. Anyways, they bought it and started selling off the inventory. I thought they would try to turn it into a giant porn shop, but they just wanted to sell all the movies and close it up.
I believe they started selling the inventory in March, I didn't find myself in there till around April, and even though it had already been picked over, there was still enough great stuff in there that I would go up every two weeks or so and buy like 10, 15 videos. I'm still getting through them.
I guess that just recently the place finally closed its doors. I would just like to say R.I.P. Video Galaxy XVI, it was the best video store on Cape Cod, and one of the best I've ever been to. At least since the 80s.



So, I settled down to watch "Gymkata" with some PBR last night. There really isn't much to say about PBR that hasn't already been said. I love it. Its cheap and it tastes good. I would like to pull hipster rank and say that I started drinking it way before it was popular. Like 99. People at Umass thought I was fucked up for drinking it, then they found out it was $9 a case and everyone started drinking it. Not saying I'm responsible for its now ubiquitous stance in the "hip" world, but I'd say that I came to the realization that it was delicious and cheap without anyone else telling me that. I was 19 at the time and simply gave my buyer $10 and told her to get the most beer she could for the money. Once I had my first PBR night, I preached it like the gospel. I can remember going to Westfield State and bringing PBR and my friends there thinking I was from another planet.
A beer as good as PBR sells itself, though, its too good for how cheap it is. Its like crack. The first guy that did crack then told everyone how great it was doesn't deserve a trophy. But I do.
Anyways, "Gymkata". I knew that this movie was about a gymnast who does like gymnast/karate, but I wasn't prepared for how totally bizarre it is. The opening has a gymnast doing flips on the high bar in slow motion. It cuts from that to a bunch of Mongolian looking dudes on horses chasing a guy down in slow motion. "Wha?" I asked the TV.
Turns out, the Gymnast and the Mongolians will collide! The Mongolians are actually residents of a place called Parmistan (is that where Chicken Parm was born? Eh? Eh?), a tiny mountain nation in the Hindu Kush range. (Is that where the Purple Kush comes from? Eh? Eh?) Parmistan looks medieval, but the film is set in the current 1985 world. The Parmistinians have something called "The Game" that everyone who enters the country must compete in. The Game consists of the newcomers running through a big obstacle course with ninja looking warriors chasing them. If the newcomer lives, he is granted one request. If he loses, he dies. No foreigner in 900 years has won.
Secret agents want to put a Star Wars station in Parmistan, and they figure a goofy gymnast with a mullet is just the guy to compete in the game. So, we have the inevitable training montage. His trainers are a big black guy and a little Chinese guy. The Chinese guy makes him chop wood, and sits nearby with an eagle (this is never explained and we never see the eagle again), telling him to listen to the sound of the axe cutting the air. As the gymnast gets better, he wears weirder clothes, eventually settling on a sweater that looks like something from a Renaissance fair.
So, once he's good enough, they send him to Parmistan. There is a strong anti-American sentiment, and he and his friends are ambushed. There is a great scene where a group of bad guys are chasing him and he ducks into an alley. There just happens to be a high pole there. So, he jumps up and starts doing gymnast stuff. As he flips around he kicks each bad guy in the face. Then he kicks a guy riding a bike by the alley in the face. It doesn't sound too funny on paper, or whatever they print websites on...air? Circuits? Anyways, its a really funny scene, mainly because the direction in this film is really inept so everything looks goofy.
Finally he makes it to the secret capital of Parmistan where the game takes place and hangs out with the Khan, who just kind of looks like an old Jewish guy with a bad comb-over but wears big fur hats like Genghis Khan. There are some lame plot developments that I won't go into, but I'll say that the Khan's right hand man, Zamir, looks like a buff Kenny Loggins with a rattail. Oh, and there is another bad guy named Thorg who looks awesome. The film goes forward with standard "most dangerous game" action where the ninjas and Zamir hunt down the contestants and the gymnast advances by the skin of his teeth.
The film takes a serious turn towards the bizarre when the gymnast stumbles into a town where Parmistan has placed all of its criminally insane. There is way too much insane imagery and strangeness in this sequence to write about here, but I will say that it makes the entire movie worth watching. One thing worth noting is that in Crazy Town, they have a stone pommel horse in the center of town, which helps the gymnast out quite a bit, because then he can do pommel horse shit and knock twenty people out with his feet.
The gymnast wins the game and gets the princess and that's it. Its an incredibly weird and bad film, but besides the Crazy Town segment, not quite insane enough to get my full recommendation. Still an alright flick to pop a few tops to.

I'm officially an actor now

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Whiskey and Elections Part 1

I'm not going to post my definitive election night blog right now. I have five pages worth of hand scrawled notes and am drunk on whiskey. I will say this: FUCK YEAH! This is great, at least in the symbolic sense. I am excited about Obama winning and the brutal whipping the Republicans took. I am not excited about Obama echoing Nixon and Bush in his first speech as President-Elect. But hey, he represents a good feeling in America, and its been a long time since we had something to feel good about in national politics. But, as a serious cynic when it comes to world politics, I can already see Obama using his good vibes to continue the horrendous New World Order foreign policy of the Bush bastards. As exciting as tonight is, and as excited as I am about Obama beating McCain and the retard, I want to reinstate my deep mistrust of any President. After the sullying that our most powerful national office has taken after 8 years of the decaying shithead corpse from Texas, I don't think I'll ever trust a President again. Which is a good thing, I think. The biggest mistake we can make is putting absolute trust in our national leaders. Yet again, though, I am very excited that Obama won.

Twofer Tuesday! The Visitor.

This is a strange, strange film.  I continued to chip away at my economy sized jug of Rebel Yell, check the "Firestorm" entry for my full review.  I popped in "The Visitor", yet another of my Yarmouth yard sale finds.  This film is almost great.  It isn't even good, really, but it shoots very high and misses.  There are little pockets of coolness here and there, though.  The music is very cool, first off.  

The opening scene is really bizarre, with cloaked figures hanging out in a really strangely beautiful hell or "other realm".  We cut to a basketball game.  A young Lance Henriksen has a basketball team: the "Atlanta Rebels".  They are playing the San Francisco "Miners".   He's watching the game with his beautiful girlfriend, played by Joanne Nail.   A reporter asks Lance where his money comes from, and he evades the question.  Finally, he says "god."  A little girl with dope stunner shades uses evil powers to make the Miners lose the game due to an exploding basketball hoop.  There is some really interesting creepy cinematography and strange editing.  

Turns out, Henriksen has been elected by a creepy secret rich guy society to knock up his girlfriend.  They tell him that they have insured that he will have a successful basketball team, but he is yet to give her a son, which is what they need, because she is the only human to have

 "his" genes.  

I guessed that "He" was Satan, and I guess he was, but due to the psychedelic nature of this film, I was thinking "he" was an alien for awhile.  Maybe they meant to say that God and the Devil are aliens.  

There are some really cool and bizarre sequences, insane plot twists and some good old fashioned mayhem here and there.  Overall, the movie unravels towards the end and makes little sense.  I don't want to give too much away, but Jesus appears at the end.  And they don't make it clear that it is Jesus, its just a guy with a beard and blue eyes.  But the camera lingers on him so much that finally I decided it was Jesus.  

Apparently Sam Peckinpah is in this movie, I didn't even realize this until the end credits.  Must be a very minor role.  This movie is too disorganized and bizarre to really warrant a recommendation, but I enjoyed it overall.  Definitely an interesting premise that isn't explored to its full potential.   There are little glimpses of a great avant garde horror film hidden in the corners of this movie, but as a whole it is too disjointed to be a good one.  

Joanne Nail

                                 

                                                                                                                                          

Ninja 3: The Domination and the Dominant 40 Ounce

Author's note:  This is the first Fermented Film entry written on my fancy pants new laptop.  Its a Mac Book and it cost me a smooth $1300.  I also wanted to note that I keep several loaded guns on me at all times, and that this Mac Book is equipped to play "Living La Vida Loca" at top volume endlessly if it is ever stolen.  So keep that in mind while you contemplate making the trip all the way to Saskatchewan to steal this fancy pants ass Mac Book.  Also, writing a Fermented Film review with my fancy Mac Book poses problems.  As I don't write these things in an academic setting, 

it will be resting on my lap while I imbibe.  This poses

some challenges.  I really don't want to spill anything on this damn thing.  Well, we'll see.  I might have to go back to writing these things on my Game Boy.  That is all, now enjoy the

 blog.  

Ninja III: The Domination.  1984, Rated R.  Directed by the Venerable Sam Firstenberg.  

Olde English 800.  40 Oz.  $2.25 at Woody's Liquors, Somerville, Saskatchewan.

Olde English is THE 40.  Delicious, smooth and packs that malt liquor punch.      This heady brew is responsible for the lives of millions of my brain cells.  Baseball has Babe Ruth, Wrestling has Hulk Hogan, Weed has Cypress Hill and Malt Liquor has OE.  The 40 for all seasons.  

   I settled down to finally view the infamous "Ninja III: The Domination" and enjoyed the unmistakeable hiss of my 40 of OE as I cracked the top.   

Word to the wise: if a movie is from the years 1983, 1984 and 1985 and its a Golan-Globus production, there is a nine in ten chance that it will be incredible.  This film continues the Golan-Globus tradition of excellence and improves upon it.  It is quite simply one of the most bizarre, entertaining films I have ever seen.  I know I'm getting a little ahead of myself by declaring that right now.  But before I can even begin to delve into this mind blowing viewing experience, I have to get that out of my system.  This movie is the balls.  

It opens with an Asian American guy in a business suit walking into a cave.  He opens a glowing rock and it is full of ninja weapons.  He suits up and heads to a golf course.  The first ten minutes of this movie can only be described as completely amazing.  A yuppie guy, apparently a politician, is out golfing with his ladyfriend and a squad of security guys.  He slices and hits the ball toward some bushes.  The ninja steps out, picks up the golf ball and crushes it in his hand.  He beats the hell out of a security guy and thus begins a display of mayhem that rolls for a solid ten minutes.  I can't even begin to describe all the great things that happen here.  You're better off just watching the clip on youtube.  If you can watch this and then not want to see the full movie, you're damaged:

I like how the cop calls in a 10-20, is that cop talk for a ninja massacre at the golf course?  Thanks to Jack Melcher for that observation.  In fact, Jack, my roommate, walked into the living room midway through this insanity and said he could only watch a couple of minutes of the movie.  I rewound it back to the golf ball crushing and he wound up rooted to his chair, watching nearly the entire movie with me.   

Meanwhile, hot to def 80s lady Lucinda Dickey (the white girl from "Breakin"!) is nearby, working on a phone pole (!).  The dying ninja runs out and basically shoots his soul into her.  I really don't want to give too too much of this movie away, as it is some of the most damn fun you'll ever have watching a movie.  I really mean that.  This movie is one of the pinnacles of modern American cinema.  You've got the beautiful Dickey possessed by the spirit of an evil ninja.  I can give that much away.  Beyond that, the film is pure Gonzo B Movie lunacy, which each scene more absurd than the last.  This is a ninja/cute 80s girl/slasher/exorcist/haunted house action horror hybrid that kicks more ass than a donkey.  

If I were to do a scene by scene breakdown of all the ridiculous shit in this movie, this review would be the size of War and Peace.  

I would hate to sound like I am condoning drinking, as some of my very good friends are sober and have had problems with the hooch in the past.  But, do yourself a favor.  Find a copy of this movie (which is hard, this classic isn't on Deev yet!  It really should be.), settle down with some good friends and plenty of your beverage of choice.  I recommend a malt liquor beverage in a large glass jug.  Pop this baby in and enjoy the ride.  If you know me, hell, even if you don't, get in touch and I will gladly watch this and drink with you.  Utmost thanks go to Danny Cashman for letting me borrow this gem from him!  Once again, THE king of crap movie collecting has proven his dominance.  Mr. Cashman, I salute you.  

In closing, this film is incredible, and is a Holy Grail of 80s junk cinema. 

Chopping Mall and Tullamore Dew

Chopping Mall (1986) [R] Directed by Jim Wynorski

Tullamore Dew Irish Whiskey  $16.99 750 ML at New Hampshire State Liquor Store

I laid low this weekend, trying to defeat a nasty cold.  I decided a few sips of Grampa’s Olde Cough Medicine wouldn’t hurt matters.  I grabbed a bottle of Tullamore Dew that I had purchased at a New Hampshire state packy and rummaged through a box of videos that I found at an incredible yard sale in Yarmouth.  In addition to the box of VHS tapes, I found a talking Freddy Krueger doll, a Miami Vice board game, a book about Ed Gein and a bunch of comic books.  All for 10 bucks!  There are plenty of obscure horror movies in the box, but I settled on “Chopping Mall”, a film I have seen at least twice before.  

The cover of this video used to scare the bejesus out of me when I was a kid.  A robotic hand holds a shopping bag full of cut up body parts.  The tagline reads “Where shopping can cost you an arm and a leg!”  IMDB says that this film was originally entitled “Killbots”, and although “Chopping Mall” is a great title, I think the original name suits the film better.  The story concerns an ultra modern shopping mall that has lethal robots for security guards.  The robot guards go crazy and start killing indiscriminately.  Although they have lazer guns, electrocution tazers and little grippy claws, they aren’t equipped with any sort of chopping or slicing apparatus.  There are no chain saws or blades in their repertoire.  None of their victims actually lose an arm or a leg.  So, the tagline, the cover and the title are all quite inaccurate.  My personal quibble.  

I thought that the pairing of a fine Irish whiskey with a film about killer robot mall cops would be a no brainer.  I was halfway right.  The Tully, as drunks affectionately call it, is a delicious whiskey.  It has less burn than the spicy Bushmill’s and the quite smooth Jameson.  There is little to no burn on the way down, but you do feel a fire in your belly upon swallowing.  It has a pleasant aftertaste and lacks any real spice.  Either I was tired from being sick all day and not doing anything, the Tully is too sublime, or someone slipped me a micky, because I fell asleep with about 15 minutes left in the film.  This was about 9 p.m., mind you.  I had only had about 2 and a half Tullies on the rocks, but I was knocked out.  Well, I’ll review what I was a awake for.  

The robots look like some sort of hybrid between the war machines of the future from the first “Terminator”, the Daleks and Kit from “Knight Rider”.  They have awesome voices, and like everything futuristic, make neat sounds whenever they move.  The film starts with a cool cold opening that turns out to be a promotional film for the guards.  It says “The End”, and I almost thought that I had forgotten to rewind the film for a second.  A crowd of people are shown in the mall watching the promo.  Paul Bartel and Mary Woronov, of the great “Eating Raoul” are in the front row and have some great wisecracks like:  

Paul: “They remind me of your mother, it’s the lazer eyes.”  

Bartel and Woronov's presence is highly touted on the back cover of the film, but they are sadly only present for about 5 minutes.  The real credits begin and we are treated to a “wacky shenanigans at the mall” montage, as clips of well, wacky shenanigans at the mall roll by over some cheesy 80s tunes.  It is worth noting that there is a record store in this mall called “Licorice Pizza”.  Sounds like something the Ninja Turtles would be into.  

We are introduced to a nerdy guy and some cool guys.  It isn’t worth mentioning their names, because that’s as far as their characters are developed.  They work at a furniture store and the nerdy guy’s uncle owns it.  The cool guys convince the nerdy guy to let them have a beer and make out party in the store.  

The robot guard’s first victim is a scientist, who apparently supervises them.  He likes to pig out, as he mentions that there was a buffet and he just “couldn’t help pigging out.”  He then eats a donut that his colleague left lying around.  Then he gets killed by the robot guards.  I love the somewhat overdeveloped minor, incidental victims in horror movies.  They are basically like extras, they appear on-screen for a minute then get killed.  But, for some reason, maybe to make it seem more realistic, they are given little quirks.  Like the girl who can’t get picked up hitchhiking in “Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter”, who also likes to pig out.  She actually dies eating a banana.  

Some foxy ladies show up to the beer and make out party at the furniture store and everyone except the nerd and his “date” start making out.  Pretty convenient, when you think about it.  You have some ladies over to your furniture store for a beer party, and before you know it, those beds are being used for more than sleeping!  The dialog is incredible.  

Guy: “You smell like pepperoni.” 

Girl: “If that’s the way you feel...” She gets out of bed.  

Guy: “Wait a second, I like pepperoni!”  

Girl:  “Well, in that case...”  She starts singing and stripping.  

And we cut to another couple.  The girl walks towards the bed wearing some hot lingerie.  

Guy: “Lady, you got a license for that outfit?”  

Girl: “Why, no officer!  I guess you’ll just have to take me in!” She jumps into bed.  

As the nerd and his date try to get over their inhibitions and make out like everyone else, they are interrupted by people making out in the background.  A girl yells “Oh God!  Oh God!  You’re the king!”  If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that, I’d have.....negative a million dollars.  

Meanwhile, the mall is closing up and a janitor starts yelling at one of the robot guards and waving his mop at it.  The Killbot (I like that more than “robot guard”, and its easier to type.), shoots a tazer into his mop bucket and electrocutes him.  After killing the janitor, the Killbot says “Thank you, have a nice day.”  This is funny the first time, but gets way overused throughout the film.  There is a close-up of the janitor’s smoking body and a voiceover says “Smoking is bad for your health.” Cut to one of the cool guys and his lady having an argument about her cigarette habit!  Genius! 

He offers her Camels and she says “No, you know I only smoke Virgin Slims.”  Best fake brand of cigarettes.  He finally says he’ll go to the cigarette machine and get her some.  He walks out to get the smokes and gets killed by a Killbot.  Then she goes looking for him, with the camera focusing squarely on her butt.  The Killbots start shooting lazers at her.  The lazers reminded me of the GI Joe cartoons of my youth.  I think they even make the same sound, and some are blue and some are red, just like the Joes and Cobra.  This lazer battle was different than the GI Joe battles, however, because one of the lazers blows her head off.  The other kids witness it.  They realize that they are locked in the mall overnight with the Killbots and decide to arm themselves.  They break into “Peckinpah’s Sporting Goods” (!) and get a bunch of guns and propane tanks.  One of the cool guys says “Lets go send those fuckers a Rambo-gram!”  

As more of the mall is revealed in their walking around, I realized that this was the same mall from the all time classic “Commando”.  The mall where Arnold throws a phone booth at some people, beats up a shitload of mall cops and swings on a giant balloon onto an elevator.  That mall.  I got to thinking, as I sometimes do, that maybe “Commando” is a prequel to this movie.  It was made one year earlier, had a sequence in the same mall and featured a crazed bodybuilder decimating its entire mall cop force.  Maybe the mall decided to improve its security after that blitzkrieg and went with the Killbots.  Even Arnold would have a hard time dealing with these bastards.  They are completely bulletproof, and fireproof, as the nerd and the cool guys and the foxy ladies learn the hard way.  

 

                     Arnold decimates the human mall cops that were later replaced with Killbots.  

The movie has some great juvenile logic, like mirrors will reflect the death lazers and shoot them back at the Killbots.  One guy’s daring act of self sacrificing courage is to hit a Killbot with a golf cart, thus killing himself and destroying the Killbot.  When I passed out, I think only the nerd and his date were still alive.  I awoke to the tape ejecting itself after auto-rewinding.  My only other viewing note is “Passed out, must be sleeping pills in the Tullamore Dew.”  

I then completely woke up, did the dishes, and watched about two hours of “The Kids in the Hall” Season 1, which I found NEW at Newbury Comics for ten bucks!  Deal of the century.  Considering that I only probably paid about a quarter dollar for “Chopping Mall”, I am really getting away with some steals here!  And what a better time for hot deals and savings than with this crappy economy getting crappier.

All in all, “Chopping Mall” is just stupid and gory enough to recommend for a fine drinking and viewing experience.  Tullamore Dew is delicious, but after it knocked me out like that, I am wary of it.  Also, if in fact “Commando” and “Chopping Mall” are connected, as I highly suspect, then that may have been the beginning of the greatest franchise ever.  Each movie is connected only in that they all concern the security force at the same mall.  Think about the possibilities!  They could have gone the comedy route and had a goofy Police Academy style movie next, or maybe have Arnold return as a one man security force.  Damn, the possibilities are sky high. 

Misleading trailer!  The kids didn't break into the mall!  They worked there!  

Author's Note:  The director of this fine film, Jim Wynorski, apparently went on to specialize in softcore adult fare, and the titles of his newer films are definitely worth mentioning.  

1. The Lusty Busty Babe-a-que (2008) (TV)
2. House on Hooter Hill (2007) (V) (as H.R. Blueberry)
3. The Breastford Wives (2007) (V) (as H.R. Blueberry)
4. The Da Vinci Coed (2007) (TV) (as H.R. Blueberry) (also as Harold Blueberry)
5. Busty Cops 2 (2006) (V) (as Harold Blueberry)
6. The Witches of Breastwick 2 (2005) (V) (as H.R. Blueberry)
7. The Witches of Breastwick (2005) (V) (as H.R. Blueberry)
8. Alabama Jones and the Busty Crusade (2005) (V) (as Harold Blueberry)
9. Bare Wench: The Final Chapter (2005) (TV)
10. Busty Cops (2004) (V) (as Harold Blueberry)
11. Bare Wench Project: Uncensored (2003) (V)
12. The Bare Wench Project 3: Nymphs of Mystery Mountain (2002) (V) 
    ... aka Bare Wench III: The Path of the Wicked (USA) 
    ... aka Bare Wench: The Path of the Wicked (USA: DVD title)
13. The Bare Wench Project 2: Scared Topless (2001) (V) 
    ... aka Bare Wench 2: Book of Babes (USA) 
    ... aka Book of Babes: Bare Wench 2 (USA: video box title)
14. The Bare Wench Project (2000)