Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Straight to Video Crap Explosion Roundup

If I didn't have an injured ankle that made my leisure time options limited to sitting around, this kind of behavior would make me a severe mental case, a retarded person, a sick sado-masochist, a depression case, or all of the above and more. But, I have to keep my foot elevated, and I feel like I am riding on a magic balloon carpet due to the painkillers I am legally taking for my ankle. So, I decided to keep forging ahead through this box set of 100 straight to video horror films that range from bad to the worst things ever captured by camera. Here we go:

The Crate
This one opens with two crackhead-like actors fishing by a river. These actors appear to have come straight from a group home, and they captured my attention. Their acting is hilarious because they are not playing crackheads, they are playing a museum curator and, (this is where the film really got me) THE MAYOR. The mayor is the more entertaining of the two crackheads, because he has this great gravelly voice, that I suspect came from smoking tons of rock or drinking tons of booze or both. They catch an ancient crate (looks like a produce crate to me). The museum curator cuts himself while opening the crate and an evil demon jumps out and starts killing people. The audio is really horrible, with crappy sound effects repeated over and over at deafening levels.

The two crackheads/actors think that they have killed the demon after a hilarious battle, and the gravelly voiced rock smoker/mayor decides that they have to cover the whole thing up. Of course, the demon escapes again and goes on a rampage. This movie is piss poor in every respect, but the truly horrendous acting and special effects put it in the so-bad-it made me laugh category. It was like a Stella short with non intentional humor. The end of the movie really sucked, because we never get to see what happens to the Mayor/crackhead. He was by far the best character in the movie.

This one surprised me with its professional look and film quality. Beyond that, no surprises. This was under an hour long and it felt longer than "Schindler's List". Probably the worst pacing I have ever seen in a movie. Absolutely maddening leaden pacing, even during the killing scenes. Its like whoever edited it was sippin sizurp. The granny-masked killer was creepy looking enough, but the tediously slow pace made this just about unwatchable. The professional look of it actually made it worse, as well. At least in the more amateurish ones, the crappiness of the proceedings can lead to some unintentional laughs. This was terrible.

Shower of Blood
This vampire tale had somewhat decent production values and nearly non-stop nudity. Its basically a softcore nudie flick with vampires. A group of hot ladies and their men go to one of the girl's Uncle Morty's house for the weekend. Morty returns and and it turns out he's a vampire. Lots of girls taking blood showers (hence the title) with rose petals falling on them ensue. If there wasn't a naked scene about every 5 minutes, it would be unwatchable. Nothing to recommend, but the shear amount of nudity kept me awake, at least. Also scores class points for overdubbed fart and burp noises every time one of the girls, who is supposed to be drunk, appears onscreen.

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