By Michael Gibbons
With the recent success of internet, online, e-friend communities like Friendster and the Wizards Community, I have devised the next level of e-friendship. I call it Faxter. In the ever-changing world of computers, many people are left out in the cold. One minute it is "Ya gotta buy Windows 98" and the next its "Jeez, you haven't seen Snow Leopard yet?" Over the past 15 years, computers have risen in prominence while constantly changing and reinventing the wheel, so to speak. What is one constant throughout this revolutionary process? The fax machine. Fax machines are forever. No worrying about cards, mouse pads, mice, the fax machine you bought in 1995 is just as important and relevant as the day it was when you bought it from Tweeter (for times like these.)
With funding from The Brother company and Circuit City, I have devised a brilliant new system for e-fax users to stay in touch. I call it Faxter. For fax machine owners to register, they fax me their information. I add their stats to the Faxter users registry, which will be in the form of several hundred thousand 3-Ring binders, which will be more or less in alphabetical order here at the Faxter headquarters, located in an abandoned airplane hangar in Las Cruces, New Mexico. (I am using future tense, as the company hasn't launched yet, as several million dollars in startup costs will be needed.) Name, height, weight, fax number and a black and white head shot are required on this initial document, as is your signature and a witness signature.
Once your information is filed away in the right binder (example, if your name is "Bill Washington", I would file you in binder W-FRID1- 146. Translation: W- your last initial, FRID1 - Faxter Registry Information Document 1, and binder number 146. That binder number is number 146 for the letter 'W'! An example of how huge our usership will be.)
Now comes the fun part! Every other Faxter user is alerted every time a new person joins our community! So, if there were say, 200 million members, I would send out 200 million faxes with your information! This way, old friends can find you, and new friends who you haven't met yet can contact you about being your faxters! Pardon the slang, but "faxters" are the names of people who use Faxter.
Due to the large amount of administrative work I will have to oversee here in the hangar, a membership fee of $89.99 will be required. But, here's where it gets fun. For an extra fee of $29.99, you can list your interest, sexual preference, work and school info and even extra black and white photos to your initial fax! For each additional interest, there will be a $4.99 processing fee. This way, for example, if you are a man who likes women and is single, and you list yourself as being into pizza pie, a single woman who likes men and pizza pie will be contacted, via fax. As you can imagine, the huge amount of paperwork and cross referencing that will be required makes the fee of $29.99 quite a bargain. You might meet the love of your life!
Artist's rendition of me collating Faxter data.
Now, here's where it gets fun. Its recommended for each Faxter user to dedicate a wall of their home to be their Faxter wall. The ideal set-up for your Faxter wall would have a large cork bulletin board to which you can thumbtack manilla envelopes containing information about your 'faxters'! Just write the name of each fax-friend on the envelope, or, you could make a copy of their black and white head shot and attach it to the front of the envelope using glue or my preferred method, Scotch tape. Every time a faxter updates their info, you will recieve a fax. Then you simply add that fax to that person's manilla envelope.
Another great part of being part of the Faxter e-fax community is the great deal notification faxes you will receive. Say, for example, you list one of your interests as 'Pizza Pie', your information will be passed on to our marketing department, who notify all the fax-ready pizza parlors in your area, so that they can fax you when they have meal deals and the like. One great thing about Faxter is that anyone can use it. You don't need a computer, and you don't even need a fax machine. Does your uncle have one? You can use his. Or just go to Staples or the local library or a Radio Shack and use their fax machines to fax your faxters and keep your status updated.
If the entire internet was destroyed by some catastrophe or super-virus, Faxter would still be operational, so its a great idea moving forward in these troubled times. If for whatever reason, you wish to cancel your Faxter account, your information will be shredded and burned in our industrial processing center located in Gary, Indiana.
The Brother company and Circuit City have helped fund my research, but much startup money is still needed. Invest in Faxter today and be part of the next level of E-friendship! For a nominal fee of $19.99, I will send all prospective investors a 50 page overview of the business, via fax.
Michael Gibbons' Fax number is available on request for prospective investors.
