This is a strange, strange film. I continued to chip away at my economy sized jug of Rebel Yell, check the "Firestorm" entry for my full review. I popped in "The Visitor", yet another of my Yarmouth yard sale finds. This film is almost great. It isn't even good, really, but it shoots very high and misses. There are little pockets of coolness here and there, though. The music is very cool, first off.
The opening scene is really bizarre, with cloaked figures hanging out in a really strangely beautiful hell or "other realm". We cut to a basketball game. A young Lance Henriksen has a basketball team: the "Atlanta Rebels". They are playing the San Francisco "Miners". He's watching the game with his beautiful girlfriend, played by Joanne Nail. A reporter asks Lance where his money comes from, and he evades the question. Finally, he says "god." A little girl with dope stunner shades uses evil powers to make the Miners lose the game due to an exploding basketball hoop. There is some really interesting creepy cinematography and strange editing.
Turns out, Henriksen has been elected by a creepy secret rich guy society to knock up his girlfriend. They tell him that they have insured that he will have a successful basketball team, but he is yet to give her a son, which is what they need, because she is the only human to have
"his" genes.
I guessed that "He" was Satan, and I guess he was, but due to the psychedelic nature of this film, I was thinking "he" was an alien for awhile. Maybe they meant to say that God and the Devil are aliens.
There are some really cool and bizarre sequences, insane plot twists and some good old fashioned mayhem here and there. Overall, the movie unravels towards the end and makes little sense. I don't want to give too much away, but Jesus appears at the end. And they don't make it clear that it is Jesus, its just a guy with a beard and blue eyes. But the camera lingers on him so much that finally I decided it was Jesus.
Apparently Sam Peckinpah is in this movie, I didn't even realize this until the end credits. Must be a very minor role. This movie is too disorganized and bizarre to really warrant a recommendation, but I enjoyed it overall. Definitely an interesting premise that isn't explored to its full potential. There are little glimpses of a great avant garde horror film hidden in the corners of this movie, but as a whole it is too disjointed to be a good one.
Author's note: This is the first Fermented Film entry written on my fancy pants new laptop. Its a Mac Book and it cost me a smooth $1300. I also wanted to note that I keep several loaded guns on me at all times, and that this Mac Book is equipped to play "Living La Vida Loca" at top volume endlessly if it is ever stolen. So keep that in mind while you contemplate making the trip all the way to Saskatchewan to steal this fancy pants ass Mac Book. Also, writing a Fermented Film review with my fancy Mac Book poses problems. As I don't write these things in an academic setting,
it will be resting on my lap while I imbibe. This poses
some challenges. I really don't want to spill anything on this damn thing. Well, we'll see. I might have to go back to writing these things on my Game Boy. That is all, now enjoy the
blog.
Ninja III: The Domination. 1984, Rated R. Directed by the Venerable Sam Firstenberg.
Olde English 800. 40 Oz. $2.25 at Woody's Liquors, Somerville, Saskatchewan.
Olde English is THE 40. Delicious, smooth and packs that malt liquor punch. This heady brew is responsible for the lives of millions of my brain cells. Baseball has Babe Ruth, Wrestling has Hulk Hogan, Weed has Cypress Hill and Malt Liquor has OE. The 40 for all seasons.
I settled down to finally view the infamous "Ninja III: The Domination" and enjoyed the unmistakeable hiss of my 40 of OE as I cracked the top.
Word to the wise: if a movie is from the years 1983, 1984 and 1985 and its a Golan-Globus production, there is a nine in ten chance that it will be incredible. This film continues the Golan-Globus tradition of excellence and improves upon it. It is quite simply one of the most bizarre, entertaining films I have ever seen. I know I'm getting a little ahead of myself by declaring that right now. But before I can even begin to delve into this mind blowing viewing experience, I have to get that out of my system. This movie is the balls.
It opens with an Asian American guy in a business suit walking into a cave. He opens a glowing rock and it is full of ninja weapons. He suits up and heads to a golf course. The first ten minutes of this movie can only be described as completely amazing. A yuppie guy, apparently a politician, is out golfing with his ladyfriend and a squad of security guys. He slices and hits the ball toward some bushes. The ninja steps out, picks up the golf ball and crushes it in his hand. He beats the hell out of a security guy and thus begins a display of mayhem that rolls for a solid ten minutes. I can't even begin to describe all the great things that happen here. You're better off just watching the clip on youtube. If you can watch this and then not want to see the full movie, you're damaged:
I like how the cop calls in a 10-20, is that cop talk for a ninja massacre at the golf course? Thanks to Jack Melcher for that observation. In fact, Jack, my roommate, walked into the living room midway through this insanity and said he could only watch a couple of minutes of the movie. I rewound it back to the golf ball crushing and he wound up rooted to his chair, watching nearly the entire movie with me.
Meanwhile, hot to def 80s lady Lucinda Dickey (the white girl from "Breakin"!) is nearby, working on a phone pole (!). The dying ninja runs out and basically shoots his soul into her. I really don't want to give too too much of this movie away, as it is some of the most damn fun you'll ever have watching a movie. I really mean that. This movie is one of the pinnacles of modern American cinema. You've got the beautiful Dickey possessed by the spirit of an evil ninja. I can give that much away. Beyond that, the film is pure Gonzo B Movie lunacy, which each scene more absurd than the last. This is a ninja/cute 80s girl/slasher/exorcist/haunted house action horror hybrid that kicks more ass than a donkey.
If I were to do a scene by scene breakdown of all the ridiculous shit in this movie, this review would be the size of War and Peace.
I would hate to sound like I am condoning drinking, as some of my very good friends are sober and have had problems with the hooch in the past. But, do yourself a favor. Find a copy of this movie (which is hard, this classic isn't on Deev yet! It really should be.), settle down with some good friends and plenty of your beverage of choice. I recommend a malt liquor beverage in a large glass jug. Pop this baby in and enjoy the ride. If you know me, hell, even if you don't, get in touch and I will gladly watch this and drink with you. Utmost thanks go to Danny Cashman for letting me borrow this gem from him! Once again, THE king of crap movie collecting has proven his dominance. Mr. Cashman, I salute you.
In closing, this film is incredible, and is a Holy Grail of 80s junk cinema.
Tullamore Dew Irish Whiskey $16.99 750 ML at New Hampshire State Liquor Store
I laid low this weekend, trying to defeat a nasty cold. I decided a few sips of Grampa’s Olde Cough Medicine wouldn’t hurt matters. I grabbed a bottle of Tullamore Dew that I had purchased at a New Hampshire state packy and rummaged through a box of videos that I found at an incredible yard sale in Yarmouth. In addition to the box of VHS tapes, I found a talking Freddy Krueger doll, a Miami Vice board game, a book about Ed Gein and a bunch of comic books. All for 10 bucks! There are plenty of obscure horror movies in the box, but I settled on “Chopping Mall”, a film I have seen at least twice before.
The cover of this video used to scare the bejesus out of me when I was a kid. A robotic hand holds a shopping bag full of cut up body parts. The tagline reads “Where shopping can cost you an arm and a leg!” IMDB says that this film was originally entitled “Killbots”, and although “Chopping Mall” is a great title, I think the original name suits the film better. The story concerns an ultra modern shopping mall that has lethal robots for security guards. The robot guards go crazy and start killing indiscriminately. Although they have lazer guns, electrocution tazers and little grippy claws, they aren’t equipped with any sort of chopping or slicing apparatus. There are no chain saws or blades in their repertoire. None of their victims actually lose an arm or a leg. So, the tagline, the cover and the title are all quite inaccurate. My personal quibble.
I thought that the pairing of a fine Irish whiskey with a film about killer robot mall cops would be a no brainer. I was halfway right. The Tully, as drunks affectionately call it, is a delicious whiskey. It has less burn than the spicy Bushmill’s and the quite smooth Jameson. There is little to no burn on the way down, but you do feel a fire in your belly upon swallowing. It has a pleasant aftertaste and lacks any real spice. Either I was tired from being sick all day and not doing anything, the Tully is too sublime, or someone slipped me a micky, because I fell asleep with about 15 minutes left in the film. This was about 9 p.m., mind you. I had only had about 2 and a half Tullies on the rocks, but I was knocked out. Well, I’ll review what I was a awake for.
The robots look like some sort of hybrid between the war machines of the future from the first “Terminator”, the Daleks and Kit from “Knight Rider”. They have awesome voices, and like everything futuristic, make neat sounds whenever they move. The film starts with a cool cold opening that turns out to be a promotional film for the guards. It says “The End”, and I almost thought that I had forgotten to rewind the film for a second. A crowd of people are shown in the mall watching the promo. Paul Bartel and Mary Woronov, of the great “Eating Raoul” are in the front row and have some great wisecracks like:
Paul: “They remind me of your mother, it’s the lazer eyes.”
Bartel and Woronov's presence is highly touted on the back cover of the film, but they are sadly only present for about 5 minutes. The real credits begin and we are treated to a “wacky shenanigans at the mall” montage, as clips of well, wacky shenanigans at the mall roll by over some cheesy 80s tunes. It is worth noting that there is a record store in this mall called “Licorice Pizza”. Sounds like something the Ninja Turtles would be into.
We are introduced to a nerdy guy and some cool guys. It isn’t worth mentioning their names, because that’s as far as their characters are developed. They work at a furniture store and the nerdy guy’s uncle owns it. The cool guys convince the nerdy guy to let them have a beer and make out party in the store.
The robot guard’s first victim is a scientist, who apparently supervises them. He likes to pig out, as he mentions that there was a buffet and he just “couldn’t help pigging out.” He then eats a donut that his colleague left lying around. Then he gets killed by the robot guards. I love the somewhat overdeveloped minor, incidental victims in horror movies. They are basically like extras, they appear on-screen for a minute then get killed. But, for some reason, maybe to make it seem more realistic, they are given little quirks. Like the girl who can’t get picked up hitchhiking in “Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter”, who also likes to pig out. She actually dies eating a banana.
Some foxy ladies show up to the beer and make out party at the furniture store and everyone except the nerd and his “date” start making out. Pretty convenient, when you think about it. You have some ladies over to your furniture store for a beer party, and before you know it, those beds are being used for more than sleeping! The dialog is incredible.
Guy: “You smell like pepperoni.”
Girl: “If that’s the way you feel...” She gets out of bed.
Guy: “Wait a second, I like pepperoni!”
Girl: “Well, in that case...” She starts singing and stripping.
And we cut to another couple. The girl walks towards the bed wearing some hot lingerie.
Guy: “Lady, you got a license for that outfit?”
Girl: “Why, no officer! I guess you’ll just have to take me in!” She jumps into bed.
As the nerd and his date try to get over their inhibitions and make out like everyone else, they are interrupted by people making out in the background. A girl yells “Oh God! Oh God! You’re the king!” If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that, I’d have.....negative a million dollars.
Meanwhile, the mall is closing up and a janitor starts yelling at one of the robot guards and waving his mop at it. The Killbot (I like that more than “robot guard”, and its easier to type.), shoots a tazer into his mop bucket and electrocutes him. After killing the janitor, the Killbot says “Thank you, have a nice day.” This is funny the first time, but gets way overused throughout the film. There is a close-up of the janitor’s smoking body and a voiceover says “Smoking is bad for your health.” Cut to one of the cool guys and his lady having an argument about her cigarette habit! Genius!
He offers her Camels and she says “No, you know I only smoke Virgin Slims.” Best fake brand of cigarettes. He finally says he’ll go to the cigarette machine and get her some. He walks out to get the smokes and gets killed by a Killbot. Then she goes looking for him, with the camera focusing squarely on her butt. The Killbots start shooting lazers at her. The lazers reminded me of the GI Joe cartoons of my youth. I think they even make the same sound, and some are blue and some are red, just like the Joes and Cobra. This lazer battle was different than the GI Joe battles, however, because one of the lazers blows her head off. The other kids witness it. They realize that they are locked in the mall overnight with the Killbots and decide to arm themselves. They break into “Peckinpah’s Sporting Goods” (!) and get a bunch of guns and propane tanks. One of the cool guys says “Lets go send those fuckers a Rambo-gram!”
As more of the mall is revealed in their walking around, I realized that this was the same mall from the all time classic “Commando”. The mall where Arnold throws a phone booth at some people, beats up a shitload of mall cops and swings on a giant balloon onto an elevator. That mall. I got to thinking, as I sometimes do, that maybe “Commando” is a prequel to this movie. It was made one year earlier, had a sequence in the same mall and featured a crazed bodybuilder decimating its entire mall cop force. Maybe the mall decided to improve its security after that blitzkrieg and went with the Killbots. Even Arnold would have a hard time dealing with these bastards. They are completely bulletproof, and fireproof, as the nerd and the cool guys and the foxy ladies learn the hard way.
Arnold decimates the human mall cops that were later replaced with Killbots.
The movie has some great juvenile logic, like mirrors will reflect the death lazers and shoot them back at the Killbots. One guy’s daring act of self sacrificing courage is to hit a Killbot with a golf cart, thus killing himself and destroying the Killbot. When I passed out, I think only the nerd and his date were still alive. I awoke to the tape ejecting itself after auto-rewinding. My only other viewing note is “Passed out, must be sleeping pills in the Tullamore Dew.”
I then completely woke up, did the dishes, and watched about two hours of “The Kids in the Hall” Season 1, which I found NEW at Newbury Comics for ten bucks! Deal of the century. Considering that I only probably paid about a quarter dollar for “Chopping Mall”, I am really getting away with some steals here! And what a better time for hot deals and savings than with this crappy economy getting crappier.
All in all, “Chopping Mall” is just stupid and gory enough to recommend for a fine drinking and viewing experience. Tullamore Dew is delicious, but after it knocked me out like that, I am wary of it. Also, if in fact “Commando” and “Chopping Mall” are connected, as I highly suspect, then that may have been the beginning of the greatest franchise ever. Each movie is connected only in that they all concern the security force at the same mall. Think about the possibilities! They could have gone the comedy route and had a goofy Police Academy style movie next, or maybe have Arnold return as a one man security force. Damn, the possibilities are sky high.
Misleading trailer! The kids didn't break into the mall! They worked there!
Author's Note: The director of this fine film, Jim Wynorski, apparently went on to specialize in softcore adult fare, and the titles of his newer films are definitely worth mentioning.
The Honeymoon Killers (1970) [R] Directed and Written by Leonard Kastle
Popov Vodka($8.99 750 ML) and Polar Tonic ($ .89 1L) with lemon slices
I picked up a VHS copy of “The Honeymoon Killers” at good old Mystery Train Records in Amherst, where the owners recognized me and even remembered when I had a broken leg! (That’s going back almost 9 years now! Holy shit, I’m old.) I loved Mystery Train so much that I had the Umass Special Transportation van bring me there. Its weird that I look back on a winter I spent on crutches at Umass as one of the best times of my life, but I really had a good thing going there. I couldn’t go anywhere, so people came to me. My room became a salon in the Owl Farm Kitchen sense. People of many backgrounds could stop in and enjoy the site of me controlling everything in the room with a crutch, drinking 40s, peeing in 40s, and more. Man, that’s incredible that was that long ago. Fuck. Well, what better way to celebrate getting old, the crashing economy and political incompetence at every level than to buy a bottle of Popov and a bottle of tonic and a lemon and settle in to watch an unbelievably dark and disturbing movie? I use run on sentences, but I do it with impunity, because no editor with a lick of sense will publish this goddamn thing, and no one reads it but my friends. So, fuck the Style book, I’m writing my own! Writing my own Style book, that is. Shit, maybe I actually need an editor. Where is my Jann Wenner, or better yet, Larry Flynt? Or Jill Kelly? (She used to be the “Publisher” of “Fox” Magazine. I found this out while spending a winter on crutches at Umass.) Tonight’s movie and drink pairing was a study in contrasts. The Vodka Tonic is a summery drink. The look and taste of it brings to mind sultry nights and care free days. Or in my case, hung over, sweaty days spent doing hard labor. The kind of sweaty, hung over labor that can raise a man’s thirst, a thirst that can only be slaked with Vodka Tonic. And so the cycle repeats. The film, on the other hand, is a dark, demented, depressing, disturbing film noir. The look and feel of it is like a winter spent on crutches on Cape Cod, yet somehow even worse. Probably because it all really happened! A ominous blurb at the beginning tells us that the film is based on a True Story. The film is from 1970, but has the look and feel of a 1950s film noir. It was shot in black and white, on somewhat grainy film stock, and the music is by Mahler. The film is shot very interestingly, making great use of the contrast between black and white. The pacing and editing is excellent, as well. From my viewing notes: “Movie is so weird and atmospheric that its hard for me to take notes. Don’t want to miss anything.” The story concerns Martha Beck and Ray Fernandez. She is an overweight, lonesome nurse who lives with her mom in Alabama, and he is her New Yorkian romantic pen-pal in a lonely hearts correspondence program. Ah, the days before the internet. Now, I can get hit on by latin men and think they are 18 year old girls the entire time! Or I can start up a hot relationship with a stunning webcam girl because her friend told her about my myspace page. Well, this film shows that true, horrendous evil has always been around, even before this age of computerized lust and lies. Ray comes to Alabama to visit Martha and she falls head over heels in love with him. They give her mom a sleeping pill and make implied love with her in the room. Gross. He leaves her the next day, and we see him chuckling and counting her money on the train. He is a con man who has multiple relationships with women all over the country through this correspondence program. He beds em, promises to wed em, and takes their money. Martha calls him and says that she will kill herself if she can’t be with him. She comes to New York, and there is an amazing scene where she abandons her aging mother in Alabama. He shows her what he has really been up to and he is pleased to see that she still loves him and would kill herself if she couldn’t be with him. He tells her that he can get money from another woman if he weds her. He takes Martha along, with her as his “sister”. They rip the new fake wife off. Ray is shown as the weaker of the two, with Martha being the strong arm. The fake wife leaves with her life. Lucky for her. Their M.O. is in place. Ray seduces a lonely lady, goes to meet her with Martha posing as his sister and they rip her off and flee. The next fake wife poses a real problem, as she really wants to sleep with Ray and Martha is insanely jealous. Ray makes his fake wife sleep with his fake sister. The acting by Shirley Stoler as Martha Beck in this scene is amazing. She just looks so damn ugly, fat, scary and evil looking. They make the fake wife take a bunch of pills. There is an excruciatingly heartbreaking scene where Ray forces her on a bus to Little Rock and takes her money, as she is all fucked up on pills and still wants to be with him. She dies on the bus. The next victim is a rich lady in Pittsfield, MA, who runs the Tanglewood. She attempts to make out with Ray at a lake and Martha sees it going down. She screams “YOU PROMISED! YOU PROMISED!” then tries to drown herself. This fake wife also gets away, its never explained, but I guess she told them to get lost. I don’t want to give too much more away, but I will say that they keep repeating their M.O., and it gets worse and worse. You get to see lonely widowers sadistically lied to, mislead, then killed and robbed. Its fucking horrible. And, they start to like it. I have yet to research the actual case, but at the end of the film it says that they were both electrocuted in Sing Sing in 1951. As the credits roll, you will say “wow”. The sign of a great film. Definitely not for everyone, but as a film about a horrific string of real murders, this is well done, non-exploitative fare. One of the best true crime serial killer films I've ever seen.
Tony Lo Blanco and Shirley Stoler as Ray Fernandez and Martha Beck
{Author's note: sorry about the tangential start of this post. I hadn't drank for a couple days and I hadn't written one of these in a while. I was sort of scared of writing about this movie, as it was disturbing as hell. I don't mean what I wrote about the Style Book. I actually own one, and the Grammer Book, too. I just like to act cool. I should also mention that Dan Cashman recommended that I buy this film, and that is why I bought it. Thanks, Dan!}
I couldn't find a trailer for this film on youtube, so here's a video by the band The HoneyMoon Killers:
Author’s Note: Mad spoilers. There is just too much to write about with this movie.
Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia (1974)
Molson Golden
Well, this is a first for Fermented Film, the author is actually reviewing a good movie. Not a drinking good movie, but like, a good movie. “Bring Me the Head...” is an unlikely classic. Sam Peckinpah’s severely dark, seemingly nihilistic tale of greed, lust, revenge and hatred. For some reason today I wasn’t in the mood for the usual goofy fare that I watch while having a few and I decided to revisit this film. Maybe it was the recent article about Sam Peckinpah in the Boston Phoenix but I doubt it. The Phoenix hasn’t expressed interest in publishing this column, so I don’t find it fit for birdcage liner. Bastards.
I decided to keep it simple and drink a few Molson Goldens while viewing. Molson Golden is a solid green bottle beer, if you like that kind of thing. Its also a surprisingly heavy beer, more filling than other green bottles like Heineken and Stella. Taste is definitely decent enough, and it takes a long time to drink a six pack of them, which makes it a good work night beer. Its not like the deceptively harmless Bud Light or PBR, where you can suck down six of them without noticing. This beer’s heavy body makes you take your time. Turned out to be a good choice because you actually have to use your mind to watch this film.
The film opens with a horrifying scene featuring a young pregnant girl being tortured by her parents to give the name of the man who impregnated her. Alfredo of the title is the father of her kid, and her father offers 1 million dollars to whoever brings him his head. Hence the title.
We first meet Warren Oates as Benny, the extremely unlikely protagonist, playing piano in a bar where men punch hookers out cold and no one bats an eyelash. This isn’t a wacky slapstick “Three Amigos” style Mexican bar, though. This is a dark place where money is god.
Two gringo hit men are looking for Alfredo Garcia and they ask Benny for information. He is able to figure out that Alfredo is worth tons of money, dead. He gets drunk and goes to find his girlfriend, who is the beautiful Isela Vega playing a hooker. He yells at her, threatens her and asks her where Alfredo is, apparently she had just cheated on Benny with Alfredo. While interrogating her he orders a “double bourbon with a champaign back”!!! Nasty. She tells him that Alfredo has just died in a motorcycle accident.
The relationship between Isela and Oates is very disturbing, intense and surprisingly realistic and intelligent. Peckinpah has been accused of being a nihilist, a sexist, a drunk bastard and worse, but his handling of this fucked up abusive relationship is so damn spot on that it makes me think that he knew the material all too well. Not to accuse him of anything, but this is one of the most scarily accurate abusive relationships I’ve ever seen in a film. No soap opera bullshit here. This is Masters in Psychology shit here. And it never flinches. The morning after their first tryst that we witness in the film, Oates finds he has crabs and pours tequila on his package. He says “Wake up, change the sheets, I got a new job!”
The scenes with Isela and Oates are very compelling. This film is so dark that love is shown as a scary thing, a weakness, a place where losers try to hide inside one another.
Oates and Isela travel to the countryside to find Alfredo’s grave. There are many great scenes with Oates and Isela cruising through the Mexican countryside with some criminals trailing them. Everyone is drinking and driving and singing. Oates and Isela run into a couple of dirt bag gringo bikers, one of whom is played by a young Kris Kristofferson. What follows is horrifying, a nightmarish rape scenario where the bikers take Oates and Isela hostage and intend to have their way with Isela. There is a disturbing bent to it, as well, where Isela winds up begging Kris to rape her. This is could be seen as either a comment on the nature of abuse, and the behavior of abused people. Or it could be seen as flat out misogyny, the idea that women secretly want to be raped. Either way, its a goddamn king hell of a disturbing scene.
The next day they are driving away from the hell behind them and Isela is crying about having to help Oates dig up her past lover and take his souvenir. He says “There’s nothin’ sacred about a hole in the ground...or the man in it....or you....or me!”
Damn. Some of Peckinpah’s legendary nihilism bleeding through.
Their relationship continues to be creepy, with her being aroused by his increasingly insane, abusive behavior.
Once they finally find Alfredo’s grave, they are greeted by a funeral procession carrying a tiny casket. A baby’s funeral. Could this film get any darker? Yep. And it does.
They dig up Alfredo’s grave and are ambushed as Oates is about to cut the head off the body. When Oates comes to, he
is covered in dirt in the grave with Isela and headless Alfredo. Isela is dead. He screams at her and tries to flip her over so that she and Alfredo can “Do it the right way!” JEEEEEsus. It seems like she is a sacrifice for the head and the money it is worth.
It is apparent in the ensuing scenes that the already insane Oates has become completely unhinged. He pulls his gun out while asking some villagers if they had seen the criminals who had been trailing him. He screams “Look at me with your goddamn fuckin eyes!”
He finds the criminals and kills them. While one is looking at him with questioning eyes he says “Why? Because it feels so goddamn good!” then shoots him some more.
Oates grabs the head and starts the long road back to his money with his new traveling buddy, Alfredo. He starts talking to the head, which is in a burlap bag, always shown with flies buzzing around it. He asks the head why it is worth so much; “You got jewels up your ears? Diamonds up your nose?” The next reel of the film concerns Oates’ descent into madness, and the scenes are slow, but very creepy. Oates is an excellent actor, and this film is his tour de force. I guess he was a mad man in real life and drank and drugged himself to a young death at 54. Not that young, but his talents never diminished, he was great right to the end.
One of my only gripes with the film is that the lighting is extremely bright, giving everything a 70s T-Show look. This might have been done on purpose, to juxtapose the extremely dark subject matter with a plastic fantasy look. There is a great image of a rich scum bag gringo criminal contentedly getting a foot bath from a Mexican hooker while reading an issue of Time magazine with a big picture of Nixon’s face on the cover.
If you haven’t seen the film, I feel like I can leave the review here, because the end is excellent and shouldn’t be revealed in this wide open space. All I can say is that Oates redeems himself and the first thing you will say as the credits roll is “Damn!” This film is definitely not for everyone, but I highly recommend it for you thinking drunkards. A good one to watch alone.
Rebel Yell Kentucky Bourbon $19.99 1.75 L at New Hampshire State Liquor Store
Firestorm (1997) Rated R. $2.99 at Newbury Comics.
Author’s Note: Tonight, we at Fermented Films LLC offer you a new direction in film reviews. The author drank some whiskey, watched a movie, took notes, drank some more whiskey, now is writing this review. The author does not want to give away too many trade secrets, but the other reviews were written the night after the viewing. This one was written right after viewing, to bring this award winning column closer to the wire, if you will. Either that or the film was so forgettable and the whiskey so strong that the author found that writing it out as soon as possible was in the column’s best quality interests. This film was “Firestorm”, so the latter comment is out of the question. The whiskey was pretty strong, though. So, without further ado: the Author brings you this column of majesty:
I settled down to partake in my daily sacrament of whiskey with a half gallon of Rebel Yell Kentucky Straight Bourbon. I purchased this jug of mellow gold for $19.99 at a New Hampshire State Liquor store after a rousing 4 day weekend building a garage with friends in Central Maine. The Rebel Yell has a decent, balanced flavor. What it lacks in spice, it makes up for with a nice lengthy finish and a great aftertaste. If you can find this whiskey for less than $14 a fifth, go for it. It retails for around $13 in most places, even Louisville, its home city. I’ve seen it for upwards of $16 in New England, though. For a ten to fourteen dollar bottle, it ain’t bad.
I was about to pop in my night’s viewing when I realized that Townes Van Zandt’s “In the Beginning” album had come in the mail. I am a huge Townes fan, for my money he is the greatest singer-songwriter of the 20th Century. That’s saying something as the people who are his competition for that title have names like Dylan and Williams.
This album in particular was Townes’ first studio album, recorded in Nashville in 1966 and produced by the legendary Cowboy Jack Clement. Peep these lyrics from the ass-kicking opener ‘Black Widow Blues’:
“Got the blues sewn into my jacket sleeve
Got a goatskin full of wine
I got the hands, pretty lady
Gonna make you grieve
And the Lovin, gonna make you mine”
If verses like that, sung over a funky ass 60s blues groove don’t get you ready to drink some goddamn whiskey and howl at the moon, you might
wanna check your pulse. I wanted to howl at the moon, but I was tired and I had work to do. Like reviewing a shitty action movie and drinking then writing about it. However, I’ll be damned if a Townes Van Zandt album review isn’t a worthwhile detour in this column. On to business:
My very first note about the movie “Firestorm” in my viewing notes is “William Forsythe’s in it! YES!”
This proved to be a quite prophetic observation, as Forsythe completely dominates the proceedings and makes it his film. I never saw this movie when it came out or since then, well, because it stars Howie Long. He plays an elite Smoke Jumper, a guy who parachutes into forest fires and fights em on the ground. You may remember Long as the giant Neanderthal guy from Fox Football coverage or the guy that did all those ads with Terri Hatcher for Radio Shack. As of looking at his Wikipedia page right now, I see that he was born in SOMERVILLE, MA and grew up in MILFORD, MA. Awesome.
He is a pretty horrendous actor, but he has the physical presence to make him a passable action hero. The film is really about Forsythe, luckily, and his great performance definitely makes this a worthwhile film. Forsythe plays Randall Earl Shay, a guy who stole $37,000,000 from the government and killed a bunch of people in the process. The movie concerns his prison break via a strategically lit forest fire and his overall ruthlessness. He chews up the scenery in classic Forsythe form, spewing out lines like “You ever kill a man, Mr. Karch? Its really quite
exhilarating, you know.”
If you want to see things like Howie Long being beaten with a canoe by a large Frenchman, Howie Long escaping a burning building by jumping a dirt bike through the roof, Forsythe killing tons of people and a multipart gory killing of Forsythe, this film’s for you. Its really not very good, but I can think of far worse ways to burn an hour and 20 minutes off of your life. And if you are a fan of Forsythe, his performance here echoes his excellent bad guy “Richie” in ‘Out For Justice’ with Steven Seagal.
The back of the DVD says that Howie Long is “Hollywood’s Newest Action Hero!”, and apparently one of its quickest, as this was his one and only starring role. This is the sole Howie Long vehicle, and its not really a surprise that there wasn’t another. He can’t act worth a lick. He’s big and muscular, sure, but Arnold could act rings around him, if that gives you an idea of his abilities. Forsythe definitely saves the day here, turning in yet another phenomenal, unheralded performance.
I am sweaty and buzzed and I should probably go to sleep, but I think I’ll have a short one and listen to this goddamn Townes album again.
Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins... (1985) Rated PG
Evan Williams Kentucky Bourbon 86 Proof
I didn’t even realize that this film and booze combo shared a surname until about 20 minutes into the movie. After a long day of work, my brain works like this: “Movie. Whiskey.” After a whiskey, my brain works like this: “Movie: Remo Williams. Whiskey: Evan Williams. HEY, they share a surname!” And as if the name pairing wasn’t enough, they turned out to be a great combo. Evan Williams is one of the best low budget bourbons, it sells for $11.70 a fifth at Fuller’s Package Store in Orleans. In Kentucky it sold for about $10. A dollar seventy price difference from Louisville to Cape Cod is not bad, considering that other bourbons are $10 more a bottle here and gas is 20 cents cheaper right over the bridge. Evan Williams is smooth almost to a fault. Its smoothness might come from a lack of flavor, but in its own right it has no bad qualities. Watery enough to remind you that it is cheap, smooth enough so as not to offend you. The first sip has just a touch of burn to it, then there is almost no burn or spice after that. Advanced whiskey drinkers might be turned off by the Williams’ lack of flavor, but its a perfect end of a long day sipper, when your tastebuds don’t really have the energy to be presented with anything too challenging. As I poured my first EW on the rocks, the rousing opening theme had me pretty excited to imbibe, and witness the beginnings of a franchise that never was. The theme music, by Craig Safan, has rhythmic gunshots, or fireworks exploding. It doesn’t get much more rousing than that. We first meet a mustachioed Fred Ward as a police officer who is sitting in his cruiser listening to some jammin’ contemporary R and B (“Janet” by The Commodores). He has a Miss Piggy coffee cup holder, as well. Cool dude. Ward beats up some street thugs who are beating up on a guy. The thugs turn out to be in cahoots, as the guy they were beating up turns on Ward and they all beat him up. He goes to his patrol car to call for help, but a dump truck, driven by a maniacal laughing black guy, pushes his cruiser into the Hudson River. Ward wakes up sans mustache in a hospital room. The same black guy, Conn MacLeary, who pushed him into the river tells him that his death has been faked and that they made a few “adjustments” to him while he was knocked out. Ward immediately checks his package. I would have done the same thing. It is then explained that they only changed his face, ie: removed his fake mustache. His new name is Remo Williams, and he has to work for a shadowy government organization now. Remo nods along, then escapes. Reginald Vel-Johnson, everyone’s favorite bi-sexual cop, makes an early appearance as the EMT whom Remo ambulance-jacks. He can’t escape for long, as Conn MacLeary gets him and leads him to the secret control center of C.U.R.E. (It is never explained what the acronym stands for and I can’t find an explanation anywhere on the net. Not anywhere, but the first two google entries for a “Remo Williams C.U.R.E.” search. What do you think I do, sit around in my soiled underwear all day hungover as hell looking up stupid stuff on the internet? Far from it, friend, farrrrr from it.) Fans of Wilford Brimley, and I know you are out there, will be pleased to know that everyone’s favorite Oats salesman plays the head of the C.U.R.E. organization. Brimley has an extremely advanced computer that thinks for itself and speaks in different voices. After Remo cracks wise to Brimley he says “The Computer said you were a smart ass!” Remo is basically the cleanup man for America, he is to get all the bad guys who can’t be taken down publicly. He is given his first assignment to kill a bad guy and Conn MacCleary, the black guy who pushed his car into the Hudson, says he will have to be “In and out, like a duck mating.” Remo enters the building and we are introduced to Chiun, a little invincible Korean man that Remo tries to kill, but can’t. He is played by Joel Gray, which is an odd casting choice, and some might even say racist, but he does a great job. Chiun can dodge bullets and when he does karate chop moves, it makes a lazer sound. Chiun beats up Remo, then Conn enters and we realize that Chiun will train Remo to turn him into a super-ninja. The training scenes consist of Remo endlessly getting his butt kicked by Chiun as the old man makes excellent constructive criticism of Remo’s performance like “You move like a pregnant yak!” One of the most interesting details in the training scenes is that Chiun knows the secret “20 Steps to Bring a Woman to Ecstasy”, of which he says he only needs to use 7 and he only teaches Remo one. He also informs Remo that “Professional assassination is the highest form of public service.” The main bad guy, Grove, is an evil military contractor. This is where the film shows itself to be politically pretty left wing, especially for an action film made in the gung-ho 80s. The idea that military contractors are running this country into the ground wasn’t exactly mainstream 23 years ago, although today it couldn’t be more apparent. Grove is trying to sell the government something called HARP, an obvious take-off on the Star Wars program that Reagan loved and dimwitted Donald Rumsfeld pushed on us until his top ranking generals forced him to resign due to “dismal planning.” This film is in many ways a spiritual ancestor of the radical Steven Seagal “message” films of the 90s, (“On Deadly Ground” and “Fire Down Below”). Big business is seen as pure evil, with its tentacles reaching high up into the government. The heroes are shown to be mystery men who have been trained in the ways of the east. New Age action for the liberal ass kicker, I suppose. This is a really fun movie and having a good buzz going only made it more enjoyable for me. It contains some pretty advanced ideas, offset by its “gee whiz” goofy demeanor. The CURE members have to kill themselves if they fail, as Brimley says “The main goal here is to not embarrass the President.” This must have been before everyone in America has just accepted that the President is a moron anyway. I wonder how many secret agents had to kill themselves before Bush went on to show the world how much of a buffoon he is. Although, he always seemed like a buffoon, didn’t he? They obviously wanted to turn this into a series, as this film is called “The Adventure Begins...” and I wish they had made more of these. I imagine its fairly radical, left leaning undertones alienated alot of people who were looking for another Rambo, Norris- styled meat and potatoes hero. This movie is light on violence (although there is one incredible, violent scene involving a diamond studded tooth), and high on fun. I found the Williams boys, Evan and Remo to be great companions for an enjoyable evening.
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Evan Williams is smooth almost to a fault. Its smoothness might come from a lack of flavor, but in its own right it has no bad qualities. Watery enough to remind you that it is cheap, smooth enough so as not to offend you. The first sip has just a touch of burn to it, then there is almost no burn or spice after that. Advanced whiskey drinkers might be turned off by the Williams’ lack of flavor, but its a perfect end of a long day sipper, when your 
he same thing. It is then explained that they only changed his face, 
Fans of Wilford 
